For Her Eyes Only

I had intended to write about giving things up for Lent today but something else needs to be told today because I have messed something up - really bad.

People who have read this or know me will be aware that there was someone in my life who meant loads to me. We have drifted apart and haven't spoke for nearly two years.

Even though I hadn't spoke to her in thiss time I made sure to let her know I was hoping she was okay. I used the excuse of Birthdays, Christmas and Valentine's Day to contact her because I was scared to ruin any chance that she was thinking that I was worth getting in touch with again.

Sitting here behind this screen and typing what she meant to me will never do her justice. There were days when I would be sitting here chatting to her and we would talk on subjects A to Z and back again. I really enjoyed her company. There were days when I would come out of our conversations with a hugh smile on my face and members of my family would ask me what I was smirking at. I think that shows how much of a fun person I was dealing with.

Then there were days when she was away and I had this empty feeling in my stomach. I realised at that point how much I cherished her.

But then things changed. We began to row more often and eventally we had hurt ourselves to the point where we couldn't co-exist. She told me to move on and forget about her, blocked me and that was that.

I was hurt. It took me a while but I eventually started trying to move on but there would always be something that happened where I would think about her. I would see a book, film or televsion show - anyting that would trigger the fond memories of her and the time we spent together.

I would spend some time going through things to say to her if we were ever to speak again. I wanted to allow her to see that I missed having her around I also spent time evaluating how I treated her and I hold my hands up and admit I was an ass at some points because I would get in moods when she wanted to go. I took offence to her geetting tired. Ironically when I acted in this way I kind of thought I was proving how much I wanted her around but in actual fact I was pushing her away. The more I acted like a jerk the further she went. I didn't realise it then. But I do now.

I am now two years older and regret all the time we have lost. Just like I cannot find the words to really prove how much she means to me, I cannot articulate how much I hated not being able to talk to her for the last few years.

I sent her a funny Valentine's Day message the other day and - once I sent it - I realised that the next time I will have an excuse to contact her was a long way off. I felt I couldn't go through any more of a wait so decided I would at the best possible time.

Then, on Friday I saw her online and thought I would message her. I opened up the mesage box but kept deciding it wasn't the right time. I then threw seven two pence pieces in the air with the rationale that if they were all in favour of tails I would message her. If there were more heads on the result I would leave it for another day.

They landed against me but I still messaged her because I didn't want us to ignore each other for any longer.

And it was all good. She replied and we had a brief laugh but it didn't last long. I started feeling a little emotional so thought it would be best if I left so said I had to go but left telling her that I still missed her.

Then, I spoke with her this afternoon and the mood had changed. I realised that my actions had caused offence and the two years I had spent in the cold hoping she would one day see me in the old light faded away.

I'm going to tell her about this post because I want her to see how much she meant to me and how sorry I am that things turned out the way they did.

I really do miss you and want to bring the good times back.